Three Ways You Can Conquer Snow
We are experiencing an unusual winter for southern West Virginia. By the end of last week, we’d experienced more snow than the National Weather Service has recorded for a whole winter in this area. And it’s still falling.
Of course, I take great pride in being Canadian and being the conqueror of snow, but man… this is starting to get to me. Ice building up on the roof and in the eaves. Driveway turning into a bobsled run (with a 4 inch ice pack… and speeds of up to 30 km/h).
Here, then, are three ways to keep your sanity while fighting snow
1. Make it personal. The snow trying to cover your walkway? It’s trying to show you who’s boss! Don’t let it. Put on your best movieguy voice and say, “This time… it’s personal.” Or, go for the Kevin McAllister (Home Alone, for those of you who can’t remember it), “This is it. Don’t get scared now.”
2. Use so much ice melt that it actually becomes a challenge to see if the snow can build up on top of it. (If you’re doing this, I’d recommend something that won’t kill your lawn or the ozone layer.) This is 8th grade science at it’s best. Snow versus salt. Who will win? Don’t bother videotaping this, it’ll probably be boring.
3. Play in the snow. Secret true fact that they only teach Canadians: Snow hates being played in. If you play in it, it loses its power. So, get out there. Throw a snowball. (Don’t hit your wife in the face accidentally. It’s a bad idea.) Build a snowman. Recreate the scary snowmen from Calvin and Hobbes. Take pictures. Put them on the Internet. Have fun with it!
Did you really? Has she forgiven you?
Love
Me
You Canadians are responsible for this snow. As we all know, Ontario dumps an average of 187 inches of snow on Buffalo and western NY in what is affectionately called “lake effect” or lake “affect” depending upon which is aqccording to the Queen’s English. For the Appalachian region, our snow comes from the western provinces (mainly Alberta and Manatoba because I could never spell Saskatchuan). Anyway not since y’all burned the White House have you exacted such revenge on the USA. I think most of us would prefer you go back to that way and leave off so much snow. Eh?
for the record, using salt can, and normally will, kill your lawn. That’s how a lot of landscaping companies make money. Repairing “salt damage” with new sod. I think the best ice melter would be something like a bonfire or a flamethrower. By the way, there tend to be no state laws governing the possession of flame throwers…so go to it