I love the winter olympics. They’re absolutely my favorite. My family and I watched the end of the women’s 3000 meter speed skating Sunday morning, and it was brilliant. It was one fantastic performance after another. The eventual winner’s performance was just start-to-finish amazing.
For my money, the summer olympics can’t hold a candle to the winter olympics. Every summer olympic sport has a winter olympic superior:
Gymnastics: Duh, figure skating. Let’s see you do that fancy stuff with knife blades attached to your feet. Now that’s a sport.
Triathalon: Um, biathlon? Yeah, we’re going to tax our bodies in crazy ways, and then we’re going to shoot guns. Deal with it.
Cycling: Long track speed skating. No dumb helmets, better crashes, and more fantastic athletes.
Swimming: Short track speed skating. Or downhill skiing. Either of those is better than watching people flop in the water.
Diving: Yeah, real fancy. Ever seen the ski jump? Way better than diving.
Basketball: Hockey. Because hockey is what basketball players wish their parents had made them play.
Canoe / Kayak / Rowing / Cycling: Skeleton, Luge, Bobsled. You want speed? You want danger? You want athletes? Try these ones. On an ice track.
Hurdles / Steeple Chase / other dumb races: Skiing, both freestyle and downhill. You’re trying to tell me that you think the hurdles is better than moguls skiing? I’m telling you, you’re crazy.
BMX: oh, okay, cool… Summer olympics trying to bring some sexy to the olympics. Is that right? Boom. Snowboarding. Slopestyle. Half pipe. Snowboard cross.
And the trump card: there isn’t a summer olympic sport that comes close to the majesty, the strategy, the brains required to master curling. Give’r! Sweep! HARD!